5 Ways to Soften the Mother-Teen Daughter Relationship

There is something about the relationship between mothers and daughters that is truly unique. These relationships are characterized not only by much love but also by deep sensitivity. And, during the teen years, this relationship is often marked by friction and heightened emotionality.

Ask any mother of a teen daughter about her relationship with her daughter and she will tell you about her daughter's mood swings, irritability and unexpected reactions to her well-intended behavior. You see, what happens is that the daughter who is trying very hard to live up to her mother's expectations often perceives slights that are not intended. The teen is also struggling to both please her mother and gain independence from her mother simultaneously. This is a very tricky balancing act.

Mothers of teen daughters frequently request my advice about how to minimize friction and restore some semblance of harmony to these very important and delicate relationships. Here are five tips I give:

Expect your daughter to be self-conscious around her friends. So as not to increase this self-consciousness, I suggest that you interact gently and minimally with her friends and try hard not to ask too many questions. Since your daughter is particularly prone to embarrassment around friends, less is more. Kids identify so closely with parents that your perceived missteps are seen as a direct reflection of them.

Be the parent. Speaking of embarrassment, your teen daughter wants you to act like her parent, not like a peer. Attempts to act, dress or speak like a teen will backfire, and I can guarantee that your daughter will get upset with you. By all means, stay in the parent role. It's your daughter's turn to be a teen now. You've already been there and done that. Your attempt to act like a teen may feel like a competition, and that is certainly not what you want, right?

Try to keep displays of affection and pride private. Confine these moments to when you're alone with your daughter. Teen girls are usually very self-conscious, and public displays of affection and bragging about them will be poorly received.

Keep private matters private. If your daughter confides in you, keep the information confidential. While it may be tempting to share what you’ve spoken about with others, doing so is likely to lead to a breakdown in trust and communication between the two of you.

Avoid comparing your behavior as a teen to how your daughter acts. She will view this as an attempt by you to make things about yourself and perhaps even that you're trying to engage in a bit of competition.

Your daughter is in the midst of figuring out who she is, and more than anything else, she needs you to give her support in a gentle manner. Always keep an open line of communication, but bear in mind that when interacting with your teen daughter less is more. I suggest less comparisons, less giving advice, less drawing conclusions and fewer questions. Instead, do a lot more listening and be supportive. This may seem counterintuitive, but it will likely lead to a calmer and more harmonious relationship..