How Bully Parents Erode Kids' Self-Esteem and Create Long-Lasting Damage

Many adults believe that bullies only exist at school. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. Many kids return home to face humiliation and behavioral manipulation from their parents. Some misguided adults have an antagonistic, aggressive parenting style, and others accidentally bully their children. No matter the approach, these grown-ups often erode a child’s self-esteem and potentially create long-lasting psychological issues, including depression and anxiety.

On occasion, children do make mistakes and should receive appropriately imposed parental consequences, and sometimes a parent spontaneously reacts in a hostile manner to a child’s unwanted behavior. These are natural responses. Bullying caregivers, on the other hand, intentionally humiliate their children to control their actions by regularly employing aggressive tactics.

The most identifiable form of parent bullying is when a mother or father becomes physical with a child. While the purpose of the punishment may be to teach a child a lesson, the message actually becomes that it is acceptable to use aggression to resolve a problem. Corporal acts also interfere with the parent-child bond. It is difficult for a child to feel loving toward a parent who frequently hurts him or her.

Less noticeable but just as emotionally damaging are the verbally aggressive adults who continually yell, harass and criticize their kids. This type of bullying can negatively impact a child’s self-esteem and may also delay social development as children withdraw or fail to understand how to connect with others. Words hurt!

The least identifiable bullying is often accidental. This occurs when a well-intentioned parent tries to positively impact his or her offspring by utilizing an ineffective technique. Consider the mother or father that comes up with a “cute” pet name of endearment that focuses on a child’s sensitive area, such as calling the overweight child “chunky monkey,” the small child “short cake” or the ADHD child “wiggles.”

Other times, a seemingly innocent comment creates a situation where a young one feels belittled. Mom, for example, impulsively remarks “if only you could do math as well as you brother,” or dad states “practice more so you can make the varsity team like your sister.” Children who regularly hear these messages develop inferiority complexes. They can also harbor hidden anger toward their siblings and parents, feeling mom and dad favor their brother or sister.

Even overprotective parents are also guilty of bully behaviors. While it's acceptable to safeguard your child and tell him or her “don’t do something dangerous,” some will over-employ this approach. Continual use of the “don’t” child-rearing paradigm is, in essence, an adult’s attempt to dictate every move a child makes. It is parenting “puppetry,” which can cause a child to be overly dependent, excessively fearful or highly resentful.

At any given time, every parent has made or will make a misstep. Mom and dad are, after all, only human. The parent who frequently employs faulty strategies, however, is guilty of bullying his or her child.

To avoid excessive parenting pitfalls, reflect on how you handle your child’s unwanted actions. Provide and discuss solutions rather than dictate behavior. Don’t tell your child to eat less; rather, teach him how to cook healthy foods and make better dietary choices.

Also consider that most parents act inappropriately due to frustration. Learn to reflect on bothersome behaviors and practice patience. Avoid overreacting.

Finally, let your child make the occasional mistake – except in matters of health and safety. Be there to pick up the pieces and discuss alternative approaches. Some of life’s lessons are best learned the hard way for both parents and kids. A respected child, however, will, generally speaking, appreciate his or her parents and make good choices as a result.

Trying to control a child will result in defiant behavior, argumentative responses and a solemn household. Bully parents raise children who bully. An appropriate discussion in a loving and respectful manner is the only true way to create positive outcomes based on inner values.